Right. I'm fed up of Barbie Dolls that look like they've been put on the rack and stretched till their legs were completely unproportional ... and why do they always have to smile? So anyway, me and Emma [[with the help of just about everyone else]] have come up with a new range of slightly more realistic Barbies. Oh yes. The following is a list of the Barbies we are going to create. Enjoy. And we don't mean to offend anyone by this [[I mean it this time]], it's only a bit of fun - and if you think we've missed any out, please comment and add another.
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[[ the following is to be said in a very cheery American accent, much like that of the Barbie Dolls in Toy Story 2 ]]
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Goth Barbie: comes with her own removable piercings [[we are aware that not all goths have piercings, but what the hell]] and many different forms of black clothing. Can also be matched with Depressive Barbie to provide that "tortured soul" look. The Limited Edition Goth Barbie comes with her own dark poetry, courtesy of many random people across the globe.
Mosher Barbie: sports the new "drowning in her own clothes" look. She comes with a wide variety of hoodies, ranging from Slipknot, to Nirvana, to System of a Down. Pocket chains sold seperately.
Teenybopper Barbie: not all that different from the current Barbie Dolls, but press the button on her back and she will scream "I LOVE WESTLIFE" like a rabid fan.
Punk Barbie: comes with many different colour hair-dyes and hair-gel in order to spike her hair.
MTGS Barbie aka Failed Teenager Barbie: Press the button on her back and she will mutter complaints about school, homework and humanity in general. She comes with the much-loved MTGS school uniform and carries the very stylish backpack, commonly worn by the First Years.
Depressive Barbie: Much like the Failed Teenager Barbie, press the button on her back and she will complain bitterly about her life and the rest of the world, telling you how completely pointless our existance is. Lacking a smile, Depressive Barbie is a refreshing change from the ever-growing range of smiling Barbie Dolls.
Drug Addict Barbie: With her own collection of syringes, pills and spirits, Drug Addict Barbie is unique, defying the goverment and actually promoting the abuse of drugs and alcohol by minors. Rehabilitation not provided.
Whore Barbie: Exactly the same as the current Barbie Dolls.
Transfestite Barbie: Based on Mrs Colvin. No offence, Mrs Colvin but it's true.
Homicidal Barbie: Carrying a meat-cleaver in one hand and a bottle of 100% authentic cyanide in the other, this Barbie come with a miniature notebook of murderous schemes, courtesy of I Can Read. Solicitors sold seperately.
Suicidal Barbie: Noose already round her neck, Suicidal Barbie comes with her own goodbye note. However, our company cannot be held responsible for the deaths of children who wanted to follow in Barbie's footsteps. It has been known to happen.
Psychopathic Barbie: comes with her own padded cell and sedatives.
Completely Unattractive Barbie: The exact opposite of the current Barbie Dolls.
Proportional Barbie: This doll is of average height, with legs that don't resemble beanpoles and a figure that doesn't appear to be obviously plastic.
The Alternative Barbie Range: Barbie comes in a range of different materials: Marshmallow, stone, asbestos, frozen mercury, coal, glass, steel (serrated edges included).
The Homosexual/Bisexual Barbie Range: Read the title. Includes Camp Ken, the limp-wristed queen.
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I'm sure there was more than that ... I just can't remember them. Gah.
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